Nothing breaks up your workday like a solid dump. Mine is mid-afternoon, some people like the morning…Your pick, but either way this should be a peaceful time in the day. There’s nothing worse than having a solid work shit ruined by your surroundings in the men’s room. There are a lot of things that can ruin it, and this is by no means a comprehensive list but here’s a starting point in no particular order:
1. Noise from stall next to you
Nothing is worse than when the guy next to you is on his phone, talking to himself, talking to you, crying(this happened to me last week). Fucking clean it up…it’s not a bar, it’s the shitter, do your business and get the fuck out of there.
2. Awkwardness post shit
You get out of the stall after laying a steaming dump and a boss or someone else whom you have an awkward relationship with is standing there. You have to look them in the eye and talk as if you’re not inhaling manure stink. Now, I have become adept at avoiding this situation. Obviously, the strategy is wait until the minute the guy has left the bathroom then you’re home free but if you move too soon, there may have been a one in/one out switch at the door that the flush muted. Result? Boss and Steaming Dump conversation….nicely done dumbass…wait til you no longer hear loafers-on-tile noises.
3. Bathroom Dental Exam
I can’t fucking stand it when people do a full dental routine in the men’s room. Especially the one on my floor. The ventilation is sub-par – so when someone shits, it stinks…and people come in brush their teeth and floss while tiny particles of feces are floating around the room. There is a guy in my office who has a 6 minute routine(he rinses with water, then he flosses, then he brushes, then he rinses again with mouthwash, then gargles)…I know the length of time because I’ve had to wait out this little routine countless times due to situation number 2 listed above. You’re fucked in this case. Either you get out and confront him face to face while his clean teeth get marred with the stink from last nights Spicy Tortilla Soup OR you wait it out…your boss gives you the “Where the hell have you been for the last 15 minutes” look. Think quick and make up an excuse…
4. Toilet Paper shortage
This topic could actually spur on an entire new topic on what to do if this situation happens….I’m a psycho about this…I ruthlessly check every time I get in the stall for ample amounts of TP for all situations. You may have an idea going in, but sometimes the speed of the game changes..Shitting is like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re gonna get.
5. Phone, wallet, keys etc in the toilet
Fuck my world
6. Janitor comes in
My office has a non-english speaking woman who comes in and says “Haalloo?” and I have to say “I’m in here”…this happens once a week..now if it’s a dude, no worries..you develop a trained ear when you hear him clanking around with the paper towel dispensers and flushing all the toilets in a row before yours…you’re good. Just make sure you lock the latch all the way…could get ugly.
Some kind of meeting gets out and all of a sudden there are several dudes in the bathroom talking, having full on conversations as if they’re in the elevator(steam room conversation equally as annoying…i’ll have a steam room etiquette post in the near future)
8. You create a clogged toiled..maybe one that overflows
Get out quick…you cannot be caught, and don’t call the janitor…
– John Q. Baggadonuts