Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category
Driving while texting, walking while texting…holy shit what a hazard….every single day I drive home or to work I see some assclown weaving in and out of lanes, then realizing he forgot to merge so he swerves back at the last second. I’ve made it a habit when I see this kind of stupidity to pull up next to the guy/girl(usually girl) and see what could have caused it. Your guess? Right. The bitch is usually texting or talking on the cell phone. The Chinese fucking know what they’re doing…our nation is stupid enough to kill ourselves off by tweeting ourselves to death with their hardware….
Katie Couric said it best…
God damnt mook, you bitch, I don’t feel well. In the spirit of not feeling well, I thought I’d tell you about my return flight last night….on Southwest Airlines. Holy shit. If that isn’t an airline discriminating against drunkards I dont know what is. Firstly, I can’t book my seat in advance, as you know, so it’s all on you to make sure you sign in early enough to get a decent boarding group number…you think I did? Think again. B36. So i wait til its my turn to board and low and behold it looks like they’re may actually be an aisle seat on the back of the plane…think again…this cougar wanna be in front of me wearing a fake mink from Burlington Coat Factory takes the last aisle seat and Im stuck in the last row, on the window…Fuck my life. The only thing worse than feeling like you’re about to throw up on a plane, is being stuck in the middle or window and know that in the even you do have to vomit…youll have to climb over two people. Well I thought I was ok and would have an empty middle seat until this little pudgy 11 or 12 year old Augustus Glut motherfucker sits right next to me and starts asking questions to me, the guy next to me, the stewardess…the balls on this little mother fucker…he told me twice to turn off my iphone when I used it before and after the “designated time” (btw I never fucking turn it off, deal with it) and started asking me questions about my headphones, my iphone, if I like flying etc..then the little tub o lard orders a hot chocolate and commences consuming it with the leftover chinese food this little type 2er picked up at the airport….good God in heaven it took all the strength in me not to “accidentally” dump his fresh hot 840 calorie cocoa all over his illiterate ass…..Finally I said, “I’m sorry I’m falling asleep.” Yea, I pussed out…if I go to jail it will be for something better than that-
– John Q
John Q, wtf bro? You’re hungover? yeah so was I on Friday but you better come blazing tomorrow…I mean two-day hangover? Try 5 days, yeah when I got back from Vegas I was hungover for five days…Try being tied up in the basement of the Mirage sniffing glue for two straight days watching this video on rerun…Fing two days, get it together
Sweet mother of Saint Mary and Joseph, there is a not a day that goes by where I don’t use chapstick. I mean I own them all Burts, Neosporin nighttime, Neosporin Lip Health, Aquaphor, Blistex, kheils, lip Smucker’s (dr. pepper, vanilla etc), Chapstick (cherry, medicated, mint, fuck all of em)…I am blanking on a ton more too, ah carmex got two types of that shit. Anyways the debate for me here is do any of these greasy bastards work? I really have used them all while mixing them up, gone cold turkey on a few, shit even vasoline. Ahhh the winters , I mean I am chappin’ chapstick year round but the winters are just brutal…The summers are just habit because I am literally smoking chapstick out of pipe in the winters.
If someone has a solution please email me..Also I got to get me one of these puppies, multi fucking purpose. i mean poppin’ pills and chappin’ lips, where are you Charlie Sheen?