Archive for January, 2011

Fat Kids on Flights

God damnt mook, you bitch, I don’t feel well. In the spirit of not feeling well, I thought I’d tell you about my return flight last night….on Southwest Airlines. Holy shit. If that isn’t an airline discriminating against drunkards I dont know what is. Firstly, I can’t book my seat in advance, as you know, so it’s all on you to make sure you sign in early enough to get a decent boarding group number…you think I did? Think again. B36. So i wait til its my turn to board and low and behold it looks like they’re may actually be an aisle seat on the back of the plane…think again…this cougar wanna be in front of me wearing a fake mink from Burlington Coat Factory takes the last aisle seat and Im stuck in the last row, on the window…Fuck my life. The only thing worse than feeling like you’re about to throw up on a plane, is being stuck in the middle or window and know that in the even you do have to vomit…youll have to climb over two people. Well I thought I was ok and would have an empty middle seat until this little pudgy 11 or 12 year old Augustus Glut motherfucker sits right next to me and starts asking questions to me, the guy next to me, the stewardess…the balls on this little mother fucker…he told me twice to turn off my iphone when I used it before and after the “designated time” (btw I never fucking turn it off, deal with it) and started asking me questions about my headphones, my iphone, if I like flying etc..then the little tub o lard orders a hot chocolate and commences consuming it with the leftover chinese food this little type 2er picked up at the airport….good God in heaven it took all the strength in me not to “accidentally” dump his fresh hot 840 calorie cocoa all over his illiterate ass…..Finally I said, “I’m sorry I’m falling asleep.” Yea, I pussed out…if I go to jail it will be for something better than that-

– John Q


John Q…Dude it’s Monday blog you jamook

John Q, wtf bro? You’re hungover? yeah so was I on Friday but you better come blazing tomorrow…I mean two-day hangover? Try 5 days, yeah when I got back from Vegas I was hungover for five days…Try being tied up in the basement of the Mirage sniffing glue for two straight days watching this video on rerun…Fing two days, get it together




Sweet mother of Saint Mary and Joseph, there is a not a day that goes by where I don’t use chapstick. I mean I own them all Burts, Neosporin nighttime, Neosporin Lip Health, Aquaphor, Blistex, kheils, lip Smucker’s (dr. pepper, vanilla etc), Chapstick (cherry, medicated, mint, fuck all of em)…I am blanking on a ton more too, ah carmex got two types of that shit. Anyways the debate for me here is do any of these greasy bastards work? I really have used them all while mixing them up, gone cold turkey on a few, shit even vasoline. Ahhh the winters , I mean I am chappin’ chapstick year round but the winters are just brutal…The summers are just habit because I am literally smoking chapstick out of pipe in the winters.

If someone has a solution please email me..Also I got to get me one of these puppies, multi fucking purpose. i mean poppin’ pills and chappin’ lips, where are you Charlie Sheen?


WTF Clothing Item of the Week…

Bam, you own this outfit back in the early 90’s like 90210 type shit…crush


Jump on the bandwagon…I am going to Egypt

So in light of the recent events in Egypt I have decided to join in…Why not right? My career is going under, I have no real goals in life, I have literally no dependents except my doorman, and its winter. With that all said, I have always wanted to join a riot. You know what I mean, carrying around Molotov cocktails with all your friends just drinking all hours of the day…screaming at everyone about being oppressed. It would be legit until you got a taste of teargas or that sonic boom thing people keep talking about in my office.

Anyways come join the mook movement…I flying over and will be blogging the shit out of this riot.


Sock-less Joe Jackson

Unreal, this guy just ruined my lunch…So I am strolling over to my favorite lunch spot when I see this guy walking at a fast pace with Birkenstock’s and no socks on. At first you would obviously assume this guy is homeless, but no he is just picking up some Thai food probably east in some underground village no one knows about. Two key points to take away here: one according to the “feels like” it is 15 degrees outside, yeah 15…and two he is decently bundled up so why not at least go full hippie and throw on some socks. Is this guy trying to make a statement or is he literally crazy???


The Hangover: Day 2

Jesus. Saturday was a big one…it got me thinking about 2 day hangovers, something I’ve become quite adept at experiencing these last several years. For whatever reason, the 2(or more) day hangover didn’t happen in college. You can black out, barf out a  Hunch Punch and Uncle Ben’s Rice Bowl combo, and  yea, you’d have a hangover the next day, but it didn’t drag on. No, the 2 day hangover is associated with how bad you feel on Monday morning after a Saturday rage sess. You pretty much know by about 4pm on Sunday what your status is…if you still feel hungover…you’re probably fucked. Theres no way you’ll get restless sleep on Sunday night and you’re guaranteed to wake up Monday thirstier than you’ve ever been in your life…and can still taste Jack and Cokes and Cigarette resin on your tongue. It’s a dark place. The only solution is to power through the morning, drink a shitload of water and basically coast through the day….By the afternoon, you’re on your way to feeling better……